LIBRARY Of^CONGRESS. 



Shelf ..W.l2.i-i 




^^DEl^^fPeEM^"^^ 



Friederick Scholtz 




BY GEORGE M. WARREN. 



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TONAWANDA:/.^ 

WARREN & CHAPMAN, I'^'BLISIIKR; 

1 S 8 U . 



/8 71J 



"F6315'] 



Enterefl, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1879, by 

GEORGE M. WARREN, 
In the OiHceof the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



CONTENTS. 



PAQB 

DER DWENDY-VONE MAN . . . 3 

DER GREED OV DER PELLS . . .5 

A DOKETOR'S DRUBBLES ... 8 

DER BARON'S LAST BANQUET . . .13 

BA«RABIE FRIETCHKIE ... 16 

VOR ALL DOT . . . . .20 

OXCELSIOR ..... 22 

DER SOOFERING GRESSHOBBERS . . .26 

DOT OLDT SETTING HEN . . . 33 

DER BUMMER . . . . .41 

BAITSY AND I ARE OUDT ... 43 



DER POEMS 

VON 

FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

■ — s-*-s 



Der Dweiifly-vone Man. 

NAIFER coot got dru my hedt, 
So long as I've lived in my life, 
Vat's der reason I vasn't got marriet 
Und heetched myseluf ub mit a vife. 
But after all, vinally, at last, I vound owd 

Vy id vas dot it naifer coot be ; 
I vill dell you, of corns, vats der drubble ; 
But, oh! dot's a ruff schoke on me. 

You see dem sdadisteakettle vellers 
Vat gif an aggound of der census. 

By grashus, so shure as you lif, 

Dey shkart me all owd ov my senses. 



DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 



Dey say dot all ofer der vorld, 

No raetter verefer dey've been, 
Verefer j^ou find dwendy vimmen, 

Der vas oxacdly dwendy-vone men! 

I vould like do bin marriet fooshdrate, 

Und I've dried yoost so hart as I ken, 
But dot's no use, py kosh, I ken't do it, 

Becose I'm dot dwendy-vone man. 
Dot's yoost vot's der reeson mit me. 

Dot's der kindt ov a man I am. 
But now I vasgedding so oldt, 

I've got so I don'd care a shnap. 

Dot's noting more uiid less as a loddery, 

To dell der troot candit und frenk, 
Und venefer dwendy vellars got marriet, 

I vas got myseluf lefd on a hlenk. 
But I bet you dot soam ov dem vellars — 

Und I say id ride strait to deir face — 
Vould leeve a goot eel more heppier 

Ov dey vas, py shinks, een niy blace. 

Venefer I valk ub der sdreet, 

Led me go yoosht so fasht as I ken, 

Uild aifery person I lieppen do meed 

Says : " Dere gose der dwendy-vone man! " 

Shimin}'^ Kracky! Dot mekes me so med! 
Vot een dor dooce haf I done. 

Dot I shall bin dreated like dot, 

Und got shtook mit dot blamed dwendy-vone f 



DER GREED OV DER PELLS. 




Der Greefl ov der Pells, 

^OW sweet to heer dem Sabbat pells, 
Each voii its greed in nioosic tells, 
In dones dot fload way ub above id, 
Und now I vill dold you der reeson ov id. 
My hapjiy hart vas all s veiled ub 
Venefer I bring dot soupject ub ; 
Now I vill poot in seemble rime 
Der lengwich ov dem pells ov mine. 

" Een deeds ov love, excel ! excel ! " 
Shimed oud from ived dowers a pell ; 
" Dese schoorch vas pilt ubon de send — 
Ve ken't dell youst how long 'twill stend. 
You act so gweer, you act so gweer, 
Vy dond you comb und worship here? 
Ve dake your mooney und dreat you veil!" 
Ringed out der Episcopahoolian bell, 

" Oh svelll ye poorivying vaters svell! " 

Eon mellow dones ringed oud a bell ; 

" Ve pilt a schoorch und got in debt, 

Und now ve 're een an orvul fret ; 

Comb join, so gwick as aifer you gan, 

Yourselv or ainy oder man ; 

No metter vat his peezness is. 

Your mooney is youst so good as his. 

Oh svell! ye rising vaters svell! " 

Dot vas der glear-doned Baptisteakettle pell. 




"Varevell! varevell! pase vorld varevell ! " 
In sblainded dones ringed oud a pell ; 
" Vot een der dooce you vas aboud, 
Comb haf your hart turned eenside oud ; 
Dees is der sdrait und narrow vay, 
Oil vy isb der reeson you vent asdray ? 
Oh, my great gootness grashus sakes, 
You beoples makes some bad misdakes ; 
Dot vas no sell! Dot vas no sell!" 
Ringed oud der Brassbedearring pell. 

"Dees vay, dees vay! dees schoorch vas vree! 
Valk in und dook a sead mid me ; 
Der plack, der vhide, der boor, der rich — 
Oh, yaas, dot makes no deafference vich ; 
Comb altogedder, und go upon high 
Like der gamel valks dru der needle's eye, 
Vor Gabriel's drumpet vill blow ub der dead, 
Und you'll go to der devul — dot's youst vot 

I said. 
Oh dime vill dell! yaas, dime vill dell! " 
Dot vas der tJnitarrying pell. 



"Hoora! hoora! dish ish der house! 
Der tex ve screach vas nix-coo m -rouse ; 
Coomb here, coomb here, you should not vait, 
Ve like to haf you coomb fooshdrate ; 
Vile odder schoorches gwarrel und vite, 
Ve serf der Lord mit all our mite ; 



DER GREED OV DER PELLS. 



Deir alvays keeking ub a muss, 

But you nefer find such dings mit us ; 

Ead bretzels und drink lager peer, 

Dot ish der vay ve vorship heer. 

Dot vas der troot, I dell! I dell! " 

Ringed oud der goot old Dutchman's pell. 

" Our schoorch vas pilt vor all greation, 
Durn to der Lord und seek salwation ; 
Hoory ub before ve shud der gade — 
Don'd be so aiferlasding lade, 
Vor you may soon be tooken down — 
Dey've got der schraall-pox here in town ; 
Dot mekes no deafference vare you vrom, 
Got waccinated before you comb ; 
Salwation's vree, ve yell! ve yell! " 
Dot vas der Methodistric pell. 



DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 



A Doketor^s Driibhles. 

YOUST to bin a doketor vonce, 
Vat koored all kints ov gases, 

Und ill my bragtis I have met 
A goot mainy deafferent fases. 

Vor dwendy milse round vere I leved, 
De beeple vas gwite seekly ; — 

'Bond vonce a veek I galled arount, 
Und zo I vound um veekly. 

Soam vas sick mit voiie decease, — 

Und soam dey had anodder, 
Und soam you vooden't doght vould leeve 

Vrom one ent do do odder. 

Bud pooty soon I vound dot oud 

My bocket book vas dhry, 
Und also my oxpensa3^s 

Vas running oval high. 

So I vent out gollecting, 

Bud aifery vere I vent. 
My batients vas oxhorseted, — 

Dey vas not wort a cendt. 

Und I vent und seed vone men, 

He vas briefing his lasht ; 
I doght de gwicker I got dot, 

De sooner it vas kashed. 



A doketor's drubbles. 



So I showed de men hees node, 
Und I dold heem do pay ; 

Hees dime vas shoost up, 
Dot vas hees lasht tay, 

Hees hand vas in each hocked, 
Und dot's vy I doght so sdrange, 

He died — und hees lasht vords vas : 
" I don'd veel ainy shange." 

Und vone sed to me : " Doketor, 

Howefer can I bay ? 
You know dot I'm not aple — 

I'm vailing aifery tay." 

Und anoder vellar dold me, 
" Shoost valk you ride avay ; 

You got dot oil vat's due you 
Ven gomes de shoodgement-tay." 

T eshked vone men for hees sheck, 
Id vas youst pefore hees deadth ; 

But I vound he hadn't no dime, 
He vas drawing hees lasht breadth. 

Und I vound dish wash de drubble — 

Een my kase ainy vay — 
De beeple vot I doketored 

Hedden't cents enoff to bay. 



10 DER POEMS VON PRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

You'f hurt dot goot old sayink, 
Verein dot goot pook says — 

I dinks id combs oud deeswise — 
" Soam rools ken vork bote vays." 

Und so it ees mit de doketor 
Ov he eshkt a man to bay, 

Und he tails him " I ken't do id," 
Hees shoor to die dot day. 

I vent beck to my offus, 

Veeling dired drii und dru ; 

Und togedder mit dese drubble 
I vash med und shleeby doo. 

I lade down on de sofy, 

Und dried to halve a shnooze ; 

Bud een a doketor's offus 
Dot didn't vas no youse, 

I hurt soam kolling " Doketor! " 
Und I run ub do my shbout, 

Und dese vords vent his ears down : 
" Vat\s der metter mit your wmd ? " 

Und don dot vellar holleret, — 
Hees woice vas shdrong und glear, 

Und dese vords vent de shbout oop, 
" Dooce Dr. Scholtz leve hier ? " 



A doketor's dru^bles. 11 



Und gwickly beck iny an-swear 

Dot slibout vas goin' droo : 
" Dr. Scholtz, dot vas my name, sir, 

Vot vood you hev me doo ? " 

" Now let me eshk you, doketor ; 

You slioore I'fe got dot righd ? 
Ish your name Dr. Friederick Scholtz^" 

He yelt mit oil hees mighd. 

I doght dot men vas crazy — 

Oar meppy he vas dight. 
I sad, " Yaas — 'tvas Dr. Friederick Scholtz, 

Vot you vant dees dime ov nighd ? " 

Und I vas zo oxtonished 

'Boudt de naixt dings vat I hear, 
Ven dot vellar dold me, " Doketor, 

How long hev you leefed hier?" 

Und den I vas oxcited, 

I felt youst like a row ; 
I sed, " I'fe leefed hier dwendy years— 

Vot you vant ainyhow ? " 

Dot men he vas a villane, 
Und dot's youst vot I kin broofe ; 

He singed oud to me lowdly, 

"Vot's der reason you don'd moofe ? " 



12 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

I run down dru der shdairvay, 
Und oud into der shdreed, 

Bud I only hurt der bavemends 
Klattering fashd agenshd hees feed. 

I reely dink sooch ekshuns 

Shoot not be oferlooked ; 
Of I kood kaitch dot vellar, 

Py cosh, hees coose vas kooked! 

Now I vood say do der doketors, 
Youst pefore id vas doo late, 

Don'd naifer lose your batients, 
Und you'll suckseed fooshtrate. 

No metter vot's der reason. 
You naifer shood get wexed ; 

You may lose your bay in dees vorldt, 
Bud you'll get id in der next. 



i4-i- 



DER BARON S LAST BANQUET. 




Der Baron'' s Last Banquet, 

^miONE zummer's nighdt, 'boudt dwelf 
o'glock, 
Der down glock youst vas sdruckit, 
Veil under a parn an oldt Tom kat 
Vas goin' to keeck der pucket. 
He'd ketched den dousand rats und mice, 

Een bantries on der shelf, 
Bud now at lasht hees durn vas combed, 
Und dot kat vas ketched himself. 

" Dey vhine aroundt me all der vhile, 

Und vhisper een mine eai- ; 
Do-nighdt vas your lasht tay, oldt poy — 

Krim death vill soon bin here ! 
Dey comb, und to my wery vace, 

Dey dell me now dot I, 
Der oldtest Tom kat on der blace, 

Dot T, (yu-i-i — pfh— pfh) must die. 

" Und vot is death ? Led me see heem vonce! 

Und vot ish dis all abowut ? 
Ov he vants to hafe a fite mit me. 

He'd petter look a leedle owut! 
I vas a tuff oldt coostomer, 

Und he bedder led me be ; 
Ov he combs, I'll skretch hees eyes e-o-w-u-t — 

Vot's der metter mit me ? 



14 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

"Ho! zound der seegnul vrom der parn, 

Und zound id lowud und shdrong, 
Dell all der Thomas kats to comb, 

Und pring deir vives along. 
Hoorey ub so gwick as aifer you ken, 

Und zee how zoon dey'll arrife ; 
I'fe got a pooty pig shob on hend " — 

Und he hat, you baed your life. 

Dey brought heem een a dousand rats, 

Und mit an awvul gry 
Dey lade 'em at his feedt, und sayed : 

" Now, Tom, how's dot vor high ? " 
Dot oldt kat shmiled a solemn shmile, 

Und a dear drobbed off hees eye 
As he sayed, " Mine vriends, dot mekes 
me dink 

Ov goot oldt tays gone by-i-i-i-i! " 

Youst den der kats begin do comb, 

Dru lane, und vield und venco ; 
All running to got a goot vront seadt 

Ven der vuneral should gommence. 
Dey all rushdt een und gedered roundt 

Der blace vhere oldt Tom set, 
Und he sayed, " How vas you anyh-e-o-u-w ? 

I didn't vas deadt yet! 

" Let aifery kat be villed shuck vull, 
Pour vorth der sheering whine ; 

Don'd shtand back on my aggound, 
I'm mit vou aiferv dime! 



DER baron's last BANQUET, 15 

Vas you all dere, you Thomas kats, 

Und all der vimmin doo ? 
Den get your beck ub aifery vone, 

Und show vot you ken do! 

" Led aifery kat vipe off hees west, 

Und all pull down hees shin, 
Ged youst der righd gurve on your shpine, 

Und den, py shinks! peech in, 
Vor shoore I don'd ken see foorshdrate ; 

Vas you all reaty now ? 
Go aliedt mit der moosic, aifery vone — 

Led's hafe a foorsht-kless re-o-u-w! " 

Der row gommenced, kat font mit kat, 

Und thumped aginst dot vloor, 
Und shkardtder horses een der parn, 

Und made der kattle roar. 
" Ho! Tom kats, who's der reason 

Dot you all vas runned avay ? 
Ish dot zo, you vas all shkardt owud ? 

Veil, py shinks! 7vill shtay! 

" I don'd vas afrait — youst led heem comb! " 

Und shoore enough, ka whack, 
Oldt Death combed, und dot poor oldt kat 

Vas busted een der pack, 
Und az he layed dere on der ground, 

Der last vords vot he sayed 
Vas : " M-e-o-u-w ! pf h ! pfh ! ! " 

Und dot Thomas kat vas dade. 



16 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 



BarraJbie Frietchkw. 

|0T vas early von mornin', youst ven 
day dime broke oud, 
Ven dese dings vas happened vot I dold 
you aboud. 

Der Hevenly sbires by Friederick shtandt, 
Green-valled by der heels von Marylandt. 

Orchards und vruit drees vas growing all 

roundt, 
Und peach jooce und apple sass cofered der 

groundt. 

Dem green vields und bastures looked foorsh- 

drate all ofer, 
Und der sheeps und der kattles vas shuck vull 

mit clofer. 

All roundt dot blaces dere vas a pig crop — 
Potatosesund sooch dings vas lookin' teep top. 

Der rebels vould like to had some of dot 

ration — 
For shoore dey vas youst aboudt dead mit 

shtarvation. 

Dey vas hoorying along youst so fast as dey 

coot, 
All valking on boss pack und riding on foot. 



BARRABIE FRIETCHKIE. 17 

Ofer der heels und vinding down, 

Dey youst vas comin' by Friederick town. 

Der sdripes und scars, so noble und grandt, 
Vas fioppin' der preezes on aifery liandt. 

Ven ub der sdreet combs der rebel treadt, 
Mit Shdonevall Yackson coming righd 
aheadt. 

Und so gwick ven he looked von dot oldt 

slouch hat. 
He rised up bees handt und he looked youst 

like dat, 

Oldt Barrabie Frietchkie vas lookin' a vindow 

dru, 
Und she sayed, "Shdonevall Yackson! look 

a leetle oudt vot you do! " 

"Halt!" he sayed — und dem ranks stoock 

fast. 
" Fire! " Oudt plazed der rifles' plast ; 

It busted der vindow-panes und sashes, 
Und rented dot flag mit seams und gashes. 

Und ven dey saw all ov dot vindow glass spilt, 
Aifery vone doght shoore dot oldt vomans vas 
kilt. 

But no! Ven dot flag proke down vrom dot 

shtick, 
Oldt Barrabie shnatched it oop righd avay 

gwick ! 



18 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

She sdretched eenside oud ov dot vindow-sill, 
Und vaved dot flag, py shiuks, to kill I 

" Shoot! ov you moost, dot oldt bald hade, 
Bud don'd tooch dot flag," der oldt voman 
said. 

A veeling ov sadness und blushes ov shame 
On der faces ov dot leader vas ofercame. 

He looked in dot vindow und sayed, "Py 

Scott! 
I nefer vas seen sooch a voman like dot! 

" Who touches a hade, von dot bald hair, 
Kill hivi dade on der shpotf Now shoot ov you 
dare! " 

All day long, by der drum's dead beat, 
Dey vas marching dot nickel-shtone bavement 
shdreet. 

Und ofer der hades ov dem rebels der whole 

day dru, 
Vaved der flag ov der ret, und der vite, plack 
und plue. 

Shdonevall Yackson has fought hees last fight; 
Poorhaps he vas vrong, und poorhaps he vas 
right. 

Dot makes nottings deafferent, votefer you say, 
I baed you he vas all right on der shoodge- 
ment tay. 



BARRABIE FRIETCHKIE. 19 

Barrabie's gone to dot same blace mit Shdone- 

vall Yack, 
Vrom veech no leefing person aifer vound der 

vay pack. 

Und dot shplaindid oldt voman now shleeps 

dot last shleep 
In veech all der sbleeping aiferlastingly 

shleep. 

But she vill vake oop in der shveet by-und-by, 
Und be tooken right avay oop to der mansions 
on high. 

Und, my vriends, ov you're safed in dot lasht 

great tay — 
Ov course dot's very doubtful, but I hope you 

all may — 

Ov you do reach dot land ov der good und 

der dru, 
You'll see Barrabie Frietchkie und Shdonevall 

too! 



-^-^jt-^*- 



20 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 



Vor all Dot 

|SH dot zo, veil a men vas boor, 
Und vears a ragged coat aroundt, 
Ve don'd speak to heem eny more ; 
Youst vor der reason on dot aggoundt ? 
Vor all dot, und all dot ; 
Ov he vas boor, und all dot, 
Under dot regged coadt und bet 
Dere vas a men vor all dot. 



Vot ov a man leeves een a bovel, 

Und vears oldt glothes, und all dot, 
Und vorks hardt mit a bick und shofel. 

Dot men vas a men vor all dot ; 

Vor all dot, und all dot — 

Hees boferty und all dot. 
Dot vellar can bick ub mit hees shofel 

Und be a men vor all dot. 



A men may vear der pest of glothes, 

Und hafe hees shdamps, und all dot ; 
But dot ish notting — aifery vone knows 

A good meny vas shkamps vor all dot ; 

Vor all dot, und all dot ; 

Deir shdovepipe hats, und all dot ; 
Ov hees vorth a hunnert tousand pounds 

Dot don'd make heem a men vor all dot. 



VOR ALL DOT. 21 



Der reech may leef in brown-shtone fronts, 
Und hafe deir chaises at der door, 

Und den expose deir ignorance 

By making vaces at der boor ; 
But der boor men, vor all dot, 
Ov he's onest, kindt, und all dot. 

Should bass 'em by mitouta sigh, 
Vor he's reecher still vor all dot. 



Dru all dees life dere'U be a strife 
To keeb ahedt, und all dot ; 

Bud to aifery vone, een der vorld to comb, 
Dere'll be a shange, I dell you vot! 
Vor all dees, und all dot, 
Our drubbles here, und all dot ; 

Vot ve've endured vill den be cured, 
Und ve'll be vree vrom all dot. 



Ve hope der day's not var avay 

Ven dot vill bin our heppy lot 

To dreat each men der besht ve ken. 
Dot vill bin petter, aind't it ? Vot ? 
Ov coorse id vill, und petter shtill, 
I'll dell you der reason vy : Because, 

Dees ish der vay ve'll greed, each men ve 
meed : 
"Wie geht's, mine brudder — how you 
vas ? " 



22 DER POEMS VON PRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 



Oxcelsior. 

|ER darkness ov der efening shades 
Vas youst so bleck as der ace ov shades, 
Veil dru der willage shdreet dere hassed 
A yoong men valking pooty fasht, 
Und youst vone look behindt he casht — 
Oxpressively. 

Pooty gwick he shdarted on a drot, 
Und some vone sed : " I dell you vot, 
I baed you some vone's awvul sick, 
Und told heem to got a doketor gwick — 
Vor he eckts youst like a loony tick," — 
Oxactly. 

Bud dot yoong men he didn't shtop. 
He vas running ub dot heel teep-top, 
Ven some oldt men he hollered oudt, 
" Say, yoong men, vot you vas aboudt ? " 
Dot yoong men sed, "Shet ub your mout " — 
Oxasperatingly. 

He vas drubbled a leedle mit dizziness, 
Bud he kept righd on 'boudt hees piziness ; 
He bulled oudt hees bottle to take a nip — 
Youst enuff zo hees feedt vouldn't shlip — 
Bud he drembledzo mooch he led it rip — 
Oxcruciatingly. 



OXCELSIOR. 23 



Ov coorse dot ding vas ub heel vork, 
Bud dot yoong men he didn't shirk ; 
Und ven a gal cried oudt, " You dunce, 
Comb beck und led me kees you vonce! " 
He sed, " Dots ov no consequnce — 
Oxcuse me! " 

An oldt voman hollered, "You krazy 

loon. 
Comb down vrom dot heel, gwick! righd 

avay soon ! " 
Ov you don'd, Py Krashus! I'll dell your 

mudder!" 
Bud dot boy naifer shtopped — somehow or 

nudder — 
He youst so lief go on, und a good deal 

rudder — 

expectantly. 

" Dry not to bass — soam helup you'll need ; 
Led me took your handt und I vill lead! " 
A woice cried oudt een solemn done ; 
Bud dot boy sed, " Vot's der useyer blow'n'l 
I'm goin' to dry id all alone — 
Oxclusively!" 

Hees fadder vould drashed heem ov he'd 

got a shance, 
Und zo vould hees sisders und hees cuzzings 

und — all handts ; 



24 DER POEMS VON PRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Bud dot poy vas veeling pooty soar, 

Vor he vas oop dere dwo, dree milse, or 

more, 
Vere he'd hardly aifer binafore — 
extraordinarily. 

Und naixt morning, ven der sun vas oudt, 
Der beople, aifery vone, vas dalking oudt 

loudt 
'Boudt dot poy vot runned zo fasht as he 

ken 
Der efening before, aboudt half-pasht den, 
Und dey eshked : " Vot vas der metter mit 

dot yoong men ? " — 
Oxhortingly. 

Bud ven dey vinked mit vone eye, und took 

a beek 
On der highdt ov dot teep-top moundain 

beak, 
Dey saw sooch a sighd vot made em shook 
Mit vrighdt ; und dey sed, ven dey gif dot 

look : 
" My Grashus! vot shances dot vellar took — 
Oxtremely ! " 

Ub dere on dot moundain, vot you dink ? 

Holy Schmoker! 
Dere vas dot yoong men vroze shtiff as a 

poker ; 



OXCELSIOR. 25 



Und dere he vas shtanding, aldough he vas 

dade, 
Und vrom hees right hand, vaving ofer hees 

hade, 
Vas a panner, on veech vas dees vord vot it 

said — 

« Oxcelsiorl " 

Dere vas a moral, mine vriends, in dot 

yoong men's motto, 
Vich ve shouldt adobt — to be surtinly ve 

oughdt to : 
Do youst as you please, bud ven you comb 

to exbire, 
Und bray on your knees to be safed vrom 

der vire, 
' Dwill be a pooty dight skweeze — ov it ain'd 

I'm — misdaken — 

exceedingly. 

Ve moost all bass avay, und's no use to be 

shkared ; 
Bud on dot lasht tay led us all be brepared ; 
Ov ve aind't, ven dot lasht drump shall 

zound o'er der earth, 
How een der dooce vould dot look to see us 

comb vorth, 
Each vone ov us yelling vor all he is vorth : 
" Oxceisior ? " 



26 DER POEMS VON PRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 



Uer SoofeHng Gresshobhers, 

Gomposed vor und rearlt at a recebtion gifen to Shenoral Krouse. 
at a Ladies' Aidt Sewsiety, vor der brevention ov gruelty to der 
grcsshobbing sooferers. 

|ER soomer vas pest, 

Und der harfest vas ainded, 
Und der krops in der Vest 
Vas all of 'em shplaindid. 

Dose varmers vas hebby, 
Und der veemens vas gled, 

As dey dinked ov der parnvulls 
Ov krain vot dey had, 

Und dey pringed out der valnuds, 

Und obened der seek, 
Und dey vould sed dere und ead 

Vile der vire vould kreck. 



Whosoefer vould dought 

Een a fery vew tays 
Dem varmers vould loose 

All der dings vot dey raise ? 

Bud der gresshobbers bed 

A sourbrise barty dere, 
Und dey combed vrom der koondry 

Around aifery vere. 



DER SOOFERING GRESSHOBBERS. 27 

Bud dot sourbrise barty, 

Dot vas a dade peat, 
Becose dey don'd pring mit dem 

Ennydings to eat. 

Dey dought dey vood eadt 

Vot der napers broad een ; 
Bud, bed ween you und I, 

Now dot vas too tin. 

' Boudt dwoo, dree months beck, 

Brabs dot vas vive, 
I could dold youst oxactly 

By eshking my vife. 

An oldt andt ov mine 

Vat leefes oudt een in Nepraskiew, 
She wrode me a ledder, 

Und says I vould eshk you : 

"Remairaper your andt, Fritz : 

Be so kindt, ov you blease. 
To send me somedings to eadt, 

Ov you don'd I vould vreeze. 

" I've hed nottings to eadt 

Seence vay beck in Shoon ; 
Ov you don'd send me glothing 

I vill dye pooty soon. 



28 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

" Ov you don'd b'leve dot or not — 
Der lesht line vot I wrode — 

' Boudt dwendy pig gresshobbers 
Vent down mine droad! 

" You eshk vot's der reason 
Oudt here mit der vokes ? 

Oh! Fritz, vot I dold you 
Dot don'd vas a hokes. 

" Gresshobbers, Gresshobbers, 

Oh! vot a kroudt ; 
Und ven dey vlied down 

Dot vas youst like a kloudt. 

" Der foorsht tay dey combed, 
Dot vas een der nighd — 

Bud nopody nose dot, 
So dot vas all righd. 

" Bud der fery nexdt tay 
DerHaifens vas kreen, 

Und sooch heartrendting sites 
You naifer vas seen." 

I wrode righd beck 

Und sed to my andt, 
" I vouldn't helb you 

Ov I kood— bud I can't." 



DER SOOFERING GRESSHOBBERS. 29 



Vor dese reason dey sendt 

Sheueral Krouse here : 
Bud he sbendt der mosht 

Ov hees dimes trinkin' peer. 

Der Sewsiety abbointed 

A gommiddee ov dwo 
To receive Sheneral Krouse, 

Und vait on heem, doo. 

So Doctor Murray und me — 
Youst on dot aggoundt — 

Vas poot on der gommiddee 

To 'schkort der Sheneral 'roundt. 

Dey vouldn't bay a lifery pill, 
(Dot vould bin youst a drifle), 

So ve dhree hed to "foodt it" — 
Dot vas mean as der tuyfel. 

Ve dreated heem veil 

Verefer he vendt ; 
Ve valked oop der reefer, 

Und called to see Zendt. 

Der reefer dot vent down 

So nice und so plue, 
Und soam ov Zendt's lager 

Vent down so nice, doo. 



30 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Und ven ve lefdt Zendt's 
I vas veeling foorshdrate ; 

(Doketor Krouse und Sheneral Murray 
Dey couldn't valk shtrate.) 

Der Sheneral vas dooked 

Mit a bain in hees side ; 
Und he sed : " Oh, ov some mans 

Vould gif us a ride! " 

Und aifery dings vent 

Mit his headt speening roundt, 

Und he can't dell veech endt ov me 
Stands on der groundt. 

Der Doketor laid down, 

Und dere he remained ; 
Und I dold heem, " Now, Doketor, 

Don'd you vas ashamed ? " 

Und all vot he sed vas 

He obened hees mout, 
Und a keg ov Zendt's peer 

Dot vent " oop der shbout! " 

Und der Sheneral sed, " Murray, 

You vas a poor dool. 
Laying dere een der road 

So dight like a vool! " 



DER SOOFERING GRESSHOBBERS. 31 

Und der Doketor sed, " Sheneral, 

Dot may be all right ; 
Bud dot vasii't my trinkiu' 

Vot made you so dight." 

Und ub combs a bolicemaii 

To find somedings oudt ; 
Und he dold me, " You dree 

Vas a seek lookin' kroudt." 

Und ven I heard dot, 

Dot raised ub mine sponk ; 
I sed, " Vot kindt of pizness 

You vas to dot drunk ? 

" Sooch chin moosick like dot 

Vas an insult to me ; 
Dere lays Sheneral Krouse — 

He vas bossing dot sbreel" 

Bud I moost shtop right here, 

Und say not a vord more, 
Vor I ox beets aifery minit 

Mine vrow droo der door. 

On dot foorsht cry vor helup 

I vas eshked my adwice : 
Und I sed der whole dings 

Vas a pig pack o' flies. 



32 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Bud I vas shoorely misdaken — 
Dey've got der gresshobbers bad, 

Und poorhaps by dees dime 

Soam haf gone " hopping " mad. 

Und to go to der Vest 
Dot vas now my indent, 

Und aggom-penny dem goots 
Vot der Sewsiet}'- half-cent. 

Eef I dought I got shkalbed 
By soam s(u)nuff-a-gun, 

I shall foot myself beck 
By an ofer land run. 

Now ov a pig Inshun 
Should get on my treck, 

I can't say vor shoore 
Ov I aifer comb beck. 

Und ven I should send you 

A punch ov my hair, 
Don'd gif my vrow ainy — 

She has pulled oudt her share. 

Bud sh'pose I get shkalped, 
Don'd der Pible declare 

Dere von't be ainy more 
Parting oop dere. 



DOT OLDT SETTING HEN. 33 



Dot Oldt Setting Hen, 

^ffll'VE hed lots ov drubbles und drials een 

IB ^^^^' 

^^t Ov you don'd believe it, ask Katrina, my 

vife. 
Ve vorked on a farm in eighteen sixty-two, 
Und I tell you ve vorked like sixty, too. 

Bud ve didn't vas makin' money pooty fasht. 
So ve dought der ding ofer, und vinally, at 

lasht, 
Ve made ub our minds to raise boultry und 

shickens ; 
Bud dem boultry vas all der times raising der 

dickens. 

I remaimper an oldt hen vot vanted to set — 
She vas der vorst oldt hen shickens I aifer 

vas met — 
'Tvas vone day in der soomer, und Katrina 

says, " Fritz, 
Foot soam aigs in der nesht vere dot oldt hen 

sits." 

" Veil," I says, " ov she'll only behafe und set 

shtill, 
I dink poorhaps — mebbe — I guess I vill." 



34 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

So I poot me some aigs een my oldt shtraw 

hat, 
Und I vent to der parn to see vat she vas at. 

Ub dere een der mow I see someding beekin' 

oudt, 
Und dere vas der oldt hen mit her head 

shteekin' oudt. 
I says, "Look here, oldt gal, you goin' to leef 

dese aigs rotting, 
Vile you vas ub dere sitting shtill, doin' 

notting ? " 

" Veil," I said, " I guess not ; now you can 

youst bet on it : 
I brought dees hat vull ov aigs, und you've 

got to set on it. 
I vant you to hatch dem oudt oop dere een 

dot nesht, 
Und don'd you scratch dem oudt ov you know 

vot is beslit ! " 

Veil, I vas een a hoory, und hadn't mooch 

time to sbend. 
So I gpt an oldt barrel, und shtood me ub on 

its end ; 
Und youst aboudt der time ven I raised ub my 

head, 
Dot oldt hen bicked me vonce, und I dought I 

vas dead. 



DOT OLDT SETTING HEN. 35 

She vas goin' to take her bick ov der aigs, I 

subpose, 
Bud she made a meesdake und bicked oudt 

my nose. 
I says : "You oldt vool, I don'd vant my vace 

scratched : 
Keeb your nose oudt ov my beezness, or you 

vill be snatched." 

Und before dot oldt hen knowed vot I vas 

aboudt, 
She flew at me, und I dought shoore my eyes 

vas scratched oudt ; 
I dodged so der oldt hen vouldn't know vere I 

am, 
Und dot barrel head busted und I vent in 

ker-shlam. 

Veil, I vas shtuck — dot's der kind ov a feex I 

vas een, 
Mitmy coat und west bushed vay ub under 

my cheen, 
Und I vas cofered all ofer mit dirt, blood und 

■ aigs — 
I could veel der blamed shtuff running all 

down my 1-limbs. 

I tried to skweeze oudt, bud it didn't do 

no good : 
Den I hollered "Katrina! " so loud as I could. 



36 DEK POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

She comb right avay oudt, but slie act like a 

goose, 
Und layed dere on der hay und laffed like der 

dooce. 

I said, "Say, Katrina, vot you vas aboudt, 
Comb righd avay here und turn dees barrel 

eenside oudt. 
You vas got me so mad, don'd you hear me, 

now — say — 
Vot you lay dere und laff, like a oldt vool, eh ? " 

She vinked at me und sayed, " Oh, give us a 

rest! 
You better vipe off your cheen oop, und pull 

down your vest : 
I guess I've got a right to lay here und latF ; 
You're altogedder too fast, you great big calf. 

" I vas villings to comb und pull yourself 

oudt ; 
Bud I von't moof a shtep till you shut oop 

your mout." 
Und she told me, " Now, Fritz, ov you bick 

oop a gwarrel, 
I'll shoomp right avay oop und poot a head 

on dot barrel." 

Veil, vot could I do ven she talk me dot 

vay? 
Ov coorse I vas shtuck, und didn't know vot 

to say ; 



DOT OLDT SETTING HEN. 37 

Und youst on aggount ov der vay she vas 

behavin', 
I vas got myself mad— oh, my Gosh! I vas 

shtavin'! 

Dere I vas een dot barrel, vay oop to my 

cheen — 
Oh! dot's no use talkin', I vas badly tooken 

een ; 
Und ven she looked at my vace, und saw my 

nose pooty red. 
She knowed right avay dot I meant vot I said. 

So she says, "I von't let you shtick to it all 

day." 
" Veil," I says, " Now dot's beezness, pull me 

oudt right avay." 
So she layed us both down right on der parn 

vloor, 
Und she pulled on der barrel vile I hung to 

der door. 

Bud der virst pull she made, den I gommenced 

to yell : 
"Py golly! shtop Katrina, dere's nails in dot 

barrel ! " 
Ven I vent een der nails vent down, youst on 

dot aggount — 
Bud ven I shtarted oudt dey shtuck een me 

all der vav 'roundt. 



38 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

" Veil," I says, " Katrina, der best thing to do 
Vas to get nabor Hansman — und bring a saw, 

too." 
Und I says, " Hoory oop ; don'd be so shlack, 
Or I'll be a dead Dootchman before you comb 

back. 

So ven he combed ofer, he eshked vot t'vas 

aboudt. 
I says, "I'm een a dight blace, und vant you 

to helb me oudt." 
Und ven he seen how I vas he begun to 

"Haw! haw!" 
Und he sed, " Sooch a barrelfool I naifer vas 

saw." 

Bud he rolled me ofer, along on der groundt, 
Und he sawed me dot barrel off all der vay 

'roundt ; 
Den I velt a goot deal petter, und I sed to my 

vife, 
" Dot's der virst time I vas aifer cut out een my 

life." 

Und ven I got oop, sooch a yell dot dey raised : 
Dere vas dot half-barrel shtickin' vast 'roundt 

my vaist. 
Und Katrina says, " Fred, shtand shtill — don'd 

moof on — 
I vant a pattern ov dot new hoopskirt you've 

got on." 



DOT OLDT SETTING HEN. 39 

I pulled oudt my shacknife, und dey laffed 

like der dooce, 
Vile I vittled der hoops off und broke myself 

loose ; 
Und vot you dink, ven I combed een der 

house ? 
I vound dot my coadt tail vas nix-coom-a-rouse 

So I sed to Katrina : " I've made oop my 

mindt 
Dot somedings vas vrong — youst look vonce 

behindt ; " 
Und comb to vind oudt, dot big Dootch 

mule, 
He sawed off my coadt tail, der blamed oldt 

vool ! 

Veil, to make it shtill vorse, der fery naixt tay 
Katrina comb to me und says to me, "Say, 
I've been dinkin' a goot deal 'boudt dot oldt 

hen, Fredt — 
Poorhaps by dees dime she is villings to set." 

I says, " I don'd care ov she's villings or not — 

She can go to — Halifax — you unnershtand 
dot?" 

" Veil," Katrina says, " Fredt, you talk pooty 
ruff." 

I says, " Don'd shpeak a vord ; I've bin hen- 
pecked enuff." 



40 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Veil, to make a short shtory long, I alvays 

look oudt, 
Und be shoore all der time I know vot I'm 

aboudt ; 
Und ven I shtand on a barrel to reach oop on 

der shelfs, 
I naifer shtand on it — I use someding else. 

You take dese oldt hens mit dere "Kluck, 

kluck,kluck!" 
Und I tell you, my vriends, deyVe got lots ov 

pluck. 
I let dem hafe dere own vay, seence I got 

jammed oop, 
Und now ven dey von't set, vy, I let dem 

shtand oop. 



-5-^5- 



DER BUMMER. 



41 



Der Biimme7\ 




HO is dot sets in dot saloon, 
Und vills oop vull dot oldt spittoon 
Vrom all day long till naixt day noon ? 
Der bummer. 



Who goes een und calls vor viskey sdrait, 
Den drinks too much to navigate, 
Und says " Youst mark dot on der shlate ? " 
Der bummer. 

Who alvays sets in dot same seat, 
Und vaits vor somevone else to treat — 
Hees nose looks like some oldt dead peat ? 
Der bummer. 

Who gets hees drinks und naifer pays, 
Und steals some times to make a raise, 
Den lays een shall vor seexty days ? 
Der bummer. 

Who is dot men mit a big red nose, 
Und hees pants all comin' dru hees clothes, 
Und hees boots all shtickin' dru hees toes ? 
Der bummer. 

Who is dot vellar you often vind. 
Says he can shtop ven he's a mind, 
Und den you see him (hie) shtavin' blind ? 
Der bummer. 



42 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Who gets kicked outside aifery nighdt ; 
Und ven he bicks himself uprighdt, 
Hees legs don'd valk exactly righdt ? 
Der bummer. 

Whose breath shmells ven he talks mit you, 
Und you say, " Shtand back a leedle, do! " 
Dot's vorse as Limburg cheese — phew! phew ? 
Der bummer. 

Who goes home late, unlocks der door, 
Und valks so shtill across der vloor, 
Und laffs ven he hears der oldt voman shnore ? 
Der bummer. 

Who has some orful bad headaches ; 
Und een der nighdt-time ven he vakes, 
He sees his boots all vull mit shnakes ? 
Der bummer. 

Who drinks vrom oudt dot pizen bowl, 
Und loses all hees self-control, 
Und den at lasht vill lose hees soul ? 
Der bummer. 

Who's der vorst man you aifer met ; 
Und ven he dies vill hafe to shweat, 
Vor he'll hafe a red hot time, you bet f 
Der bummer. 



BAITSY AND I ARE OUDT. 43 



Baitsy and I are Oivdt, 

IRAW oop dembapers, lawyer, und make 
'em shtrong und lawvul, 
Ipi^ My house vas getting oopside oudt, und 
Baitsy she vas awvul. 
Dot's no use talkin', ve can't agree — sooch 

aickshuns I naifer saw ; 
To tell you der troot, between you und me, she 
vas vorse as a mudder-in-law. 

Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, her head 

vas pooty lefel ; 
Bud now you youst ought to see her vonce — 

she's shuck vull ov der defel. 
I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks 

aifery tay, 
Und der furder ve vas togedder der nearer ve 

vas avay. 

Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible ; I youst 

took it down vrom der shelf — 
Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch — you 

know how dot vas yourself ; 
Und I vas a reading 'boudt Daniel, how he 

shoomped in der lions' den, 
Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading 

dem lines den, 



44 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Vere it says : " Und Daniel got hees back oop — 

righdt oop against der vail ; 
Bud der lions don'd vas shkared — dey didn't 

done notting at all ; " 
Und ven 1 read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a 

goot deal puzzled, 
Und I says, " Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem 

lions must bin muzzled." 

She dold me I vas lyin', dot vas not vot it 

vas meant. 
I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay 

it vent ; 
Und den she vas got awvul mad, und dold me 

to my vace, 
"I vish, py Shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und 

you vas een hees blace." 

"Veil," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit 

Daniel, let heem comb und leef mit you, 
Und I'll go und shoomp een der lions' den, und 

enshoy myself better'n I do!" 
Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I 

ashk heem to shange mit me ? 
He vould say, "Oh, no! I know Baitsy too 

veil — I vould rudder shtay vere I be!" 

She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broom- 
shtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse ; 

Bud ven she turned 'round t to sh truck me, 
she vas all alone in der house ; 



BAITS Y AND I ARK OUDT. 45 

Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt 

der varm und iiomeshtead ; 
Dere mooslit no vone trust Baitsy on my 

aggount, she lelt my board und bedshtead. 

Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold 

me to go oudt und pump it. 
I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't 

like it she could lump it! 
She shoked me oop against der vail, und shut 

my vind pipe oft'; 
I tell you I seen shtarsdot time, und I dought 

my head vas oft". 

Py krashus! she's liable to kill me mit vatefer 

she gets her hands on, 
Und I get mixed oop so I can't tell vich endt 

my head shtands on. 
She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-vood 

shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back ; 
I lefd der home, und vrom dot day till dees — 

vor dree veeks — I didn't comb back. 

I tell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot 

I've endoored. 
Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my 

life enshoored. 
Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant 

to, sir, 
Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink 

ov her. 



40 DER POEMS VON PRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Der foorsht time I aifor met her, I vas shtruck 

mit her vinning vay ; 
Bud now a sliange vas tooken blace — I get 

shtruck in a deafferent vay. 
Dot time ven ve got married, she vas a lass een 

shkool, 
Und I vas youst aboudt der same — alas! I vas 

a vool. 

She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I 

shanced to meet her, 
I didn't dought she vould become sooch an 

orvul oogly creetur ; 
Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat 

like der dooce — 
Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her 

jaw vas loose. 

Vone day she says, " Shut oop your mout ; 

you're blabbin' all der time! " 
I says, " I vouldn't do it" — dot's der kind ov a 

Dootchman / am! 
Und den bevore I knew it, she took rae by 

soorbrise, 
Und keecked me oudt der house, sir — righdt 

bevore my vace und eyes! 

I tell you vot it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put 

oudt. 
To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut 

my moudt ; 



BAITSY AND I ARE OUDT. 47 

Und because I dought I vouldn't, to keeck 

me oudt der door, 
Yoiist on aggount sooch aicksbuns, dot's vy I 

veel so sore. 

I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat 

vas hoarse ; 
Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot — she's gettin' 

vorse und vorse ; 
Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my 

only course 
To comb here und get your adwice — und also 

a diworce, 

I know it's hard to gife dot oop, und leeve 

alone ; bud shtill, 
Ov she don'd vant to sebarate, I'll get soam 

vone dot vill. 
I know veil 'nufF dot Baitsy'll say dot I'm a 

great big lummix ; 
Bud I don'd shvallow all she says — dot von't 

shtay on my shtumix. 

You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled 

by voman's tongue, 
I tell you vot it is, sir, I'm vorse off den 

Prigham Young. 
So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it 

righdt avay, 
Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot 

she vill say. 



48 DER POEMS VON FRIEDERICK SCHOLTZ. 

Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aifery- 

ding I own, 
Und bid Baitsy und our shild good-bye, und 

go oudt een der vorld alone. 
Und ven I dink ov Baitsy, a dousand milse 

avay, 
I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt 

back home und shtay. 

Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's 

tooken sick, 
Ov she is you tailegraf me to comb back pooty 

gwick. 
Remaimper vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me 

in soosbense ; 
Youst bay der tailegrafer, und sharge to my 

oxbense. 

Dot poots me een mind ov someding, dot I 

can't dink ov now ; 
I can't remaimper vot I vorget — dot beats all, 

ainyhow! 
Oh! now I've got it — wrode it down, dot ven 

I'm dead und gone, 
Baitsy'll bring me back to her, und bury me 

een der lawn. 

Und on my tombstone, let it read, in ledders 

large und blain : 
" Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, und hees vife 

she is to blame! " 



BAITSY AND I ARE OUDT. 



49 



Und I hope dot een a veek or two, righdt after 

I hafe died, 
Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by 

side. 

Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, 

und all der dead shall rise, 
Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, und vipe 

our vceping eyes ; 
Und den ov it looks doubtful, ve'U shtand 

righdt dere und vait, 
Und ven no vone vas lookin', veil shkweeze 

dru der Golden Gate. 




'h-^A 




4i 






